Raised by both parents in one household and being the oldest of four I observed a lot. Growing up I spent a lot of time in the kitchen helping my mom cook and would silently listen to her phone conversations. Dad had no problem expressing his thoughts about my generation during our grocery shopping trips sharing his “You kids have it good, when I was young…” stories.  It became easy to understand their reactions to different situations. I recall my mother always telling me I had an old soul “your so mature, it’s scary” she would say. By the time I reached middle school I completely understood the reason why they loved each other and the root cause of most of their emotions and arguments.
       
Now with a family of my own, I realize similar patterns and I have accepted the identity of my own relationship. Practicing patience and constant communication with effort from the both of us has helped us discover ways to manage our differences and childhood shadows. I would be dishonest if I said that our feelings never get the best of us. I also would be dishonest if I said we no longer argue because we still do.  However, our feelings are temporary and we always acknowledge the issue, apologize for our faults and find a solution. Discovering what works best for your relationship takes time and patience. It is an ongoing work in progress as you both face the life changes ahead.

      I have learned that embracing diversity and inclusion is not only for the workplace, it is also for the home. Poor management of the differences between you and your partner can create bad habits, distancing and friction. So many relationships fall apart because one feels misunderstood. Too often people begin to seek understanding from someone else and as result you will begin to feel shut out. In some situations it can be worse, your partner may step out and rightfully so you should part ways.

     Every relationship is different. It may be difficult to understand your partner’s life story if he or she struggles with expressing their feelings as a result of their own upbringing. Seeking professional help may be beneficial. Review the information below and acknowledge your shadow side. What is your life story?

Ten Tips for Overcoming Childhood Issues

1.    Reflect on your upbringing
2.    Acknowledge and accept your opportunities.
3.    Don’t blame others. Accept your life story for what it is. Ask yourself how  can you improve your opportunities
4.    Be vulnerable and share your opportunities with your partner
5.    Be curious and seek to understand your partner’s behavior, attitudes,  thoughts and beliefs. What is their life story?
6.    View your partner’s life story with compassion and understanding, not  judgment
7.    Understand and accept your differences. You can’t win it all
8.    Remember, we are all imperfect
9.    Know when you shadow side is stepping out and have a “Woosah”  moment
10. Change your mind and change your life 

Currently, there are 591K posts and counting of the trending #relationshipgoals hashtag. As much as I hate it to see it appearing ALL OVER my timeline I must admit that I find it sweet and refreshing to know that not only women, but men too still believe in monogamy and desire to be in love.  For clarity, it is not the hashtag itself that makes my skin crawl, it is more so the images that I see attached to #relationshipgoals. Too often it is paired with an image of celebrity couples, matching louboutins and matching cars. In today’s world, social media is a major part of our daily routine and whether we want to admit it or not, it affects our lives in many ways, this includes how we view ourselves, self-expression and of course our relationships. 

Have you ever taken a picture of you and your significant other and deleted the picture because it did not meet your expectation of what is considered Instagram, Facebook or Twitter worthy? It’s ok. I’m raising my hand too. We are all guilty of bringing out our inner judge. Listen, there is nothing wrong with wanting the perfect picture as long as we properly focus on our relationship just as hard as and even harder than we do to get that picture perfect photo. 

              Ten years ago my husband (then boyfriend) and I sat on the beach and began the tradition of setting goals together. Establishing what I call “best practices” or “good habits” early on is beneficial. What I love most about goal setting is it is never too late to start! The best part is revisiting your list to celebrate how much your relationship has blossomed. Goal setting has improved our communication, support system, intimacy and many other things.  Check out my relationship goal exercise below! 


Relationship Goal Setting Exercise

Step 1: Write down your individual list of goals prior to your goal setting date. It is important to have your individual goals completed prior to the meeting. Your personal goals should be authentic and completely yours. Including everything from personal, healthy, spiritual and professional goals. 

Step 2: Choose an appropriate location, date and time. This will not be enjoyable if you feel rushed or distracted. Choose a location that the both of you will enjoy.

Step 3: Bring the following: 1-binder, 1-calendar, several pens, paper and most importantly, pack a yummy meal for your goal setting date so you can FOCUS. You may want to include additional documents such a budgeting sheet if you are focused on finance. You can find free printable worksheets on the internet.